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If you've visited our site as a
parent in crisis, we want you to know that we understand. You are
not alone. Many parents have been in your shoes. A
crisis can be a turning point, a fork in the road, a place where we
come to realize that the road we've been on is not taking us where
we want or need to go. This is an opportunity for growth.
Finding peace in your situation is
the answer to solving the problem. God told us in Hebrews 13:5
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." He is with
us always.
Experts have observed that there
is a cycle in the crisis relationship between teenagers and their
families. The crisis grows, escalates to a boiling point, then
settles down and later resurfaces in a pattern that grows into
larger problems, involving emotions and behaviors that the family
can't tolerate. During the periods of normalcy, we tend to
believe that we've managed to overcome the problems. Teenagers
often become remorseful of their previous behaviors and as parents,
we hope for the future.
Then it blows! And the cycle
continues. It's time to make a change in the way things have
been working! Perhaps the hardest step is that first step,
where we must face the facts that in order to solve this problem, we
are going to have to change something. Albert Einstein once
said that the definition of insanity was to keep doing the same
things, expecting different results. So, let's consider some
ideas. We realize that your circumstances are unique and it is
impossible for a single page on a website to offer you every answer
to every problem, but our goal here is to cause you to pause and
think, just for a moment to decide if there are things that you can
do to build better communication between you and your child.
These are just some concepts for
you to consider:
CHANGE YOUR PARENTING IDEALS:
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LOVE NEVER FAILS!
1 Corinthians 13 in our Bible explains to us that love is
patient and kind, not envious, proud, rude, self seeking,
easily angered and keeps no record of wrong. Love
doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth and it
always protects, trusts, and preserves. Love never
fails. A crisis can threaten the relationships of those
that are closest to us, but we must always extend love in our
motives, words, actions, especially our
discipline. Your child must always know that you love
him or her even if you don't approve of their behavior.
SETTING LIMITS THAT ARE APPROPRIATE AND
CONSISTENT
Have you set limits that are reasonable, and enforceable?
Are you being consistent in the way that you apply those
limits in the way you discipline? Does your child know
and understand the limits that are there?
MANAGE YOURSELF FIRST
If you lose control of yourself, how is it possible for you
to expect that your child should be in control of their
behavior? As a parent, you will need to be able to
assist your child in a crisis situation if you are not in
control of your own behavior. Let's remember that your
words and actions need to show your child that you understand,
even if you don't agree; confirming that he/she is valued by
you. If you maintain an atmosphere of support and open
communication, you will allow different points of view to be
shared in a manner that can be discussed.
TRY TO IDENTIFY THE SOURCE OF THE
PROBLEM
Each of us see life through our own lives. Perception is
reality to your child, even if he is wrong. If you can
sit down and talk openly about how each see's the problem,
perhaps you can determine what the source of the problem is.
ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC?
Life experiences have provided you an insight that you might
expect in your child, and the children today have such peer
pressure on them, that it is sometimes difficult for our
children to understand what our expectations are. As
parents, we must remember to set clear expectations, that our
children are capable of meeting.
CONSEQUENCES
Are there real and consistent consequences to bad behavior?
Threats, shouting and failure to follow through on
consequences only breeds more bad behavior in the future.
However it's important that you respond versus react.
Reacting to negative behavior focusing on controlling the
child, while responding is putting the focus on the negative
behavior in a manner to encourage self control. It's
important that your child knows that there will be
consequences for his behavior. One successful parent
said the secret to her success was that she said YES as often
as possible, but she never backed down from NO. No had
consequences and her children knew it.
PRAISE SUCCESS
Success feels great and it's even better when you know that
you parents are proud of you. Praise can give you
confidence to help overcome fears for dealing with problems
and conflicts on other levels. So praise where possible. |
FIND A SUPPORT SYSTEM
Joining a church and seeking out the support of Christians will give
you support to help you deal with the problems that you are facing.
Seek out others in your community that may have gone through these
same issues. Don't do this alone! Individual or family
counseling will help you in learning how to effectively communicate
with your child and find peace in the decisions that you will have
to make in regard to his behavior.
DO RESEARCH ON PARENTING TIPS
You are not alone and much has been written to help you. Your
community may have a Christian counselor that has some material on
some programs that you can get involved in to help you work out your
particular situation.
DISCUSSION WITH YOUR FAMILY
DOCTOR
Is there a need for medical intervention? Psychiatric issues
that may require hospitalization? You should be open and
honest with your family doctor and ask for advice from a medical
point of view.
MOVE TO A NEW AREA
Is the problem based upon his environment, where friends and other
circumstances have created a situation that cannot be corrected unless
you isolate your child from that environment? Some parents
have done just that, moved to a new area to escape the peer
elements.
FAMILY INTERVENTION
Is it time to ask your family to help you? Perhaps they can
help you get immediate help, especially if you feel that you are
unable to cope with the crisis. If you feel that you may hurt
your child, please call your minister, a family member or
a friend.
RESIDENTIAL PROGRAMS
In some cases, the answer may be a residential program, where the
child is removed from the situation.
| CONSIDER THE PEACE PLAN FOR A
FAMILY CONFERENCE:
UNDERSTANDING THE NEED VERSUS THE WANT
When dealing with people and the emotions that come from misunderstandings,
sometimes we need to take a breath and think about what is really important,
the WANT or the NEED.
SILLY STORY
A silly and child like story that can explain the importance of setting down
and talking about what you really need, versus what you want explains the
concept.
Company A has a plan to cure Cancer and can do this IF ONLY that can have every
single ORANGE on the earth so that they can develop their medicine.
Company B also needs every single ORANGE on Earth to make their medicine that
will cure AIDS.
Both Companies have been arguing the importance of each of their work and
trying to appeal to the public that each has the most important task at hand.
In our fictional story, the world court has hired a mediator to set down with
both companies and try to work out a solution.
THE MEDIATOR ASKS
Exactly what do you do with these ORANGES that produces the compound that you
need to make your medicine?
COMPANY A RESPONDS
We take the Juice and Meat of the ORANGE and process it to develop a highly
concentrated formula that we then refine even further for the base product to
cure Cancer. We need ALL of the Oranges now!
COMPANY B
RESPONDS
Our process is to take the Rhine of the ORANGE
and grind it up into a powder that we then process into the formula that can
build a vaccine for AIDS. We can cure AIDS in a year if we have all of
the ORANGES now!
AND THE MEDIATOR SMILES!
Why don't Company A process the Rhine from all of the
ORANGES and then ship
that by-product to Company B so that they can have what they
NEED!
As it turns out, each had a WANT that required them
to BELIEVE that they alone needed all of the ORANGES in the world, but the NEED
was quite different.
TEENAGERS OFTEN CONFUSE
OUR WANTS WITH NEEDS
THIS IS AN IDEA YOU CAN TRY
MEDIATION AND CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Ask someone to help you have a family
conference and mediate the emotions that will follow. You should
try to follow an organized plan of action to bring everyone together.
The PEACE PLAN outlined below is a way to stay focused.
TALK with each other! Keeping in mind that things are not always the
same from everyone's perspective. Remember the 5 steps to peace.
P.
PLAN a conference
E.
EMPATHIZE with the students feelings. LISTEN!
A.
ATTACK THE PROBLEM...not the person
C.
COOPERATE as much as possible
E.
EMPHASIZE Reconciliation with the relationship.
Seven Rules to remember:
1. Never compare
2. Never blame
3. Never demand
4. Never threaten
5. Never belittle
6. Never interrupt
7. Never confuse the issue
BE COMFORTABLE..BE READY...BE CALM
Everyone should have pen ad paper to make notes and recognize that people
are going to have to speak honestly in order to solve the problem. Everyone
must have an
opportunity to examine the other's position.
THE MARK OF AN EDUCATED
INDIVIDUAL IS THE ABILITY TO CONSIDER
A CONCEPT THAT THEY ARE COMPLETELY
AGAINST.
START BY RELATING THE PROBLEM...
Vocalize each side's position. Ask them if they are comfortable with
the way that you have outlined their position. "Do they think that you
understand their position?"
ASK EACH PARTY IF WE CAN SOLVE THIS PROBLEM
Do the participants set down with an open mind? Are they willing to
discuss the issue and try to work out a solution? You will need to ask
this question immediately after the problem is stated. If everyone isn't
willing to discuss the issue then there can't be a successful conclusion.
STOP the meeting if you can't discuss it. The Student will have to move.
LET EACH SIDE SPEAK WITHOUT INTERRUPTION
Ask all parties to allow the other side
to speak without interruptions so that they can have freedom to explain their
position. Each will have an opportunity to talk.
ASK THEM TO EXPLAIN THEIR POSITION
Why do they feel this way? What do they see is the answer?
Use reflective questions to quote back to them what you understand that they
said and make sure that this is how they perceive their statement.
ASK THE OTHER SIDE TO EXAMINE THE OTHER'S
POSITION
After hearing the logics behind the other position, ask the listening party to
think about what the other side has said and consider if this is something that
we can work with. REMEMBER
THE NEED VERSUS THE WANT
It's important to attempt to let the parties decide a conclusion, reminding
them to think about what they really NEED versus what they WANT. Can this
be worked out?
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